I went to bed tired yesterday. I woke up tired today. 

I'm sticking my head out of the water and in seconds, I'm buried under another wave. My gut-wrenching reality. The stupid pictures in my head. I want to look in the mirror and see something other than the robot walking on autopilot, wrapped in rotting skin. A Christmas present nobody wants.

With years, it only gets more and more complicated. I'm starting to look like a very bad replica of myself. I remember smoking a cigarette and shaking to the point where I couldn't properly hold it as I was throwing my stuff off the shelves of your apartment. I remember you, drunk, holding me back, trying to talk me out of leaving at that same moment, repeating the same things over and over again until I went numb. Until I couldn't hear you.

This pathetic image of you keeps spinning in my head.

I haven't forgiven you, and I don't think I ever will.