Came across Year Zero by NIN today, also known as Halo 24. I used to love it so much when it first came out. Reznor sees the end of the world very clearly for someone who's never been there.

If I listen to it long enough, I start to visualize the end of the world very vividly. 'Another Version Of The Truth' makes me remember the only time I cried in church - it was in a church in Rome, the energy there was crazy although it was a very old and somewhat unsightly building. I remember looking up and seeing windows in the ceiling, all covered in mosaics, and the subdued sunbeams I could see through those windows made me feel as if there was nothing outside of the church walls. I thought to myself: 'The world has ended. The war is over. And everyone I loved had died'.

If the world was to end, what if we would get to choose if we'd rather just die or be turned into some kind of AI-controlled robots, the only creatures that would be allowed to enter Year Zero and the new world? Would we get to keep whatever is left of our dirty, weary souls? If we opted for being turned into robots together with the ones we love, would we recognize them afterwards? 

I went to bed tired yesterday. I woke up tired today. 

I'm sticking my head out of the water and in seconds, I'm buried under another wave. My gut-wrenching reality. The stupid pictures in my head. I want to look in the mirror and see something other than the robot walking on autopilot, wrapped in rotting skin. A Christmas present nobody wants.

With years, it only gets more and more complicated. I'm starting to look like a very bad replica of myself. I remember smoking a cigarette and shaking to the point where I couldn't properly hold it as I was throwing my stuff off the shelves of your apartment. I remember you, drunk, holding me back, trying to talk me out of leaving at that same moment, repeating the same things over and over again until I went numb. Until I couldn't hear you.

This pathetic image of you keeps spinning in my head.

I haven't forgiven you, and I don't think I ever will.