I'll keep this as brief as I can.

I live with my partner in a one-bedroom apartment. We have a den that we use as a shared office; a small outdoor patio is accessible from the den.

One night I was feeling frisky, but partner was asleep, so I took care of things on my own. The office is a natural spot for this; it's private, and it has a desk with a computer that I can use for such a purpose. I did the deed and finished in the first thing I could find: a sock. Sleepy and satisfied, I tossed the befouled sock behind some bags near the patio door and went to bed.

I woke up the next morning to a horrified partner: "THERE ARE ANTS. EVERYWHERE."

Here's something they won't teach you in school: ants love cum. Can't get enough of the stuff. Turns out the door to the patio doesn't seal too well, and those ants, well, they found the prize. My poor better half followed the trail of ants back to a cum-soaked sock absolutely crawling with ants -- dozens, probably hundreds of them. Poor thing actually picked it up and threw it outside.

I went to the store as quickly as I could to buy a can of insecticide. Those ants are dead as fuck. The sock went in a sandwich bag, then directly into the dumpster. I spent the rest of the morning cleaning and eradicating the rest of the cum-crazy ants. Partner is now willing to laugh about it, but politely requested that I use tissues from now on, like a normal person.

TL;DR: Do you want ants? Because masturbating into a sock and leaving it near an exterior door... that's how you get ants.